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Raped by Disney By William McKeen, Ph.D. © Copyright 1999 William McKeen |
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piss off Carl Hiaasen. Any corporate CEO reading Team Rodent is wise take note. In fact, that's pretty good advice for just about everybody. You don't want the  pre-eminent pit bull of
American journalism on your case. Hiaasen is one tenacious dude and for
the mass audience out there that knows him only as Fiction Carl,
brilliantly funny novelist, meet his non-fiction twin, Reality Carl, the
Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.Of course, most of us can easily stay on Hiaasen's good side. After all, how many of us actively rape the environment and ruin the paradise that once was Florida? He's more concerned with the powers-that-be that have polluted the state's air and water and paved the beautiful marshlands that used to freckle this once-magnificent peninsula. If we haven't desecrated Mother Nature in our time on Earth, we're probably OK. As long as we stay cool, we'll be all right. But if, say, we create another abomination of amusement to draw cash-laden plaid-clad mouth-breathers into the Sunshine State to parade, asshole-to-bellybutton, through tacky tourist attractions, then we are fair game for the wrath of Reality Carl. No. You definitely do not want to piss off Carl Hiaasen. He will be all over your ass. For Disney, Team Rodent is Exhibit A. Of course, he will do it with a smile. Hiaasen's greatest weapon is his twisted sense of humor and in Team Rodent he examines the 30-plus years of Disney presence in Central Florida with the perseverance of a great reporter. But he also somehow makes us laugh at the absurdities of unchecked growth, ecological recklessness and political corruption. He is therefore much more effective than would be a righteous environmentalist with an anti-corporate screed. With Hiaasen, as always, we're laughing just to keep from crying. Those who know Hiaasen as a novelist might not be aware what a great reporter he is. He worked for years on the Miami Herald's investigative team before becoming a columnist and author. He always  said he turned to fiction because he was so frustrated
that the bad guys—"greedheads" is his nice catch-all
term—seemed to win in real life. In his novels, he is able to mete out
appropriate punishments to corrupt developers, greedy politicians and
others of their wretched ilk.And that ilk includes journalists. In this assault on Disney and its corporate takeover of Earth, Hiaasen hits any thing that gets in his gun sights, including his lowlife, free-loading colleagues of the Fourth Estate. He recalls a 1986 Disney junket somehow tied in with the 199-year anniversary of the Constitution, and guest starring former Chief Justice Warren Burger. Like the good non-freebie-taking guy that he is, Reality Carl recalls his struggle to pay full price for things that Disney wants to give to journalists in exchange for good press. Of course most reporters who took the freebies—which Hiaasen had to force back into the glad hands of the blue-blazered Disney folks who insisted he take them—said they couldn't be "bought" by plush hotel rooms and stuffed critters for their kids. Yet the Disney tactic worked. After pooh-poohing (say ... does Disney get a double royalty when you say pooh pooh?) the notion that her conscience could be bought, the reporter says, "What could you say bad about Disney anyway?" Hiaasen names that reporter, by the way. He names everybody. Nobody escapes. He blasts the Orlando Sentinel of the 1960s for knowing—but not telling—that His Waltness himself was behind the "mystery corporation" buying up all of that Central Florida land at bargain-basement prices. The Sentinel chose to sit on the information because it thought the end (eventual prosperity for the community) was justified by the means (some semi-sneaky land
acquisitions).For those who know only Fiction Carl, the "voice" in this book is a bit different. There is not attempt to create lovable characters who engage witty banter. Reality Carl is mad and in a very short space, he downloads big time on Disney. It's probably the most action-packed 83 pages you will read this year. But for longtime Orlando residents or anyone else who has followed the Disney-in-Florida story, there's probably not a lot new here. The book will be a revelation to non-natives and is mostly a chance for Hiaasen to make new converts as he spread his ministry to save Florida. As Reality Carl writes, "The point is, you can spend a solid month at Disney World and never see evidence of the real Florida, save for the occasional renegade buzzard on a road kill. The Magic Kingdom might as well be in Tucson or Nashville or Tacoma; it wouldn't matter. Once inside the gates, the experience would be virtually identical—not at all unpleasant, just fake. A sublime and unbreakable artificiality. People might like it, but it's not natural."
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Team
Rodent
Rock and Roll Is Here to Stay: An Anthology
Dr. William McKeen is journalism department chairman at the University
of Florida's College of Journalism and Communications. McKeen writes
frequently for The Orlando Sentinel book page and has authored several
books, including: