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Horoscope for the Reality Impaired (#1) |
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By Glenn Danforth |
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Horoscope for the Reality Impaired (#1) |
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By Glenn Danforth |
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Humor Menu |
You will suddenly develop an overwhelming need to scream, “I’m not obsessive - compulsive,” each time you see a blue car. |
You will drop your Human Sexuality class after misinterpreting the teacher’s statement that the final exam will be given orally. |
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You will regret your decision to try a new Thanksgiving dinner after your family refuses to eat the leftovers. So the food doesn't go to waste, you will eat nothing but goose sandwiches and goose noodle soup for the next 10 days. |
After learning that California has legalized marijuana for medical purposes you will hitchhike to the West Coast and begin hanging out at eye clinics in the mistaken belief that glaucoma might be contagious. |
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After your vacuum cleaner becomes clogged on a tumbleweed you will finally pay to have your dehumidifier adjusted. |
You will enter a plea of insanity after being arrested for investing your life savings in a scheme to counterfeit pennies. |
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You will need a blood transfusion after suffering freak paper cut. |
While cramming for a Quantum Physics final your head will implode. |
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While cleaning under your sofa cushions you will find what looks to be beef jerky wrapped in a condom. You will insist your teenage daughter stops dating boys from the local leper colony. |
Because it will bring you a long, healthy and fabulous life, you will empty all of your bank accounts and send every penny you own to the author of the first horoscope you read today. |
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At the next gathering of the Society of People with Good Taste you will be beaten severely by fellow members after you get up and dance the Macarena. |
In an attempt to feel like one of the Kennedys, you will send out more than 1,000 Christmas cards, licking Marylin Monroe stamps until your tongue bleeds. |
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Aquarius
Pisces
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Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
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Virgo
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Sagittarius
Capricorn