Horoscope for the Reality Impaired #3 - Glenn Danforth's Humor Factory


Humor Menu Main Page Saturdays At The Swamp Columns: Gators-Seminoles Virus Warning Mother-In-Law Hell Alien Pregnancy Peas & Parenthood Bambino's Curse Florida Christmas 1 Florida Christmas 2 Does it go with Fish? Horoscope for the Reality Impaired: Horoscope 1 Horoscope 2 Horoscope 3 Horoscope 4 Horoscope 5 Horoscope 6 Horoscope 7 Quizzes: Fightin' Irish Ready for College? Roommate Wanted Sexual Knowledge Video: Horoscope 1 Funny Photos: Kids My Strange Pals Animals Demon Alcohol Sexy Stuff Miscellaneous: Cartoon Collection Who is Responsible?	Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18) After your new girlfriend informs you that she'll only engage in safe sex, you'll begin shopping for a padded headboard.	Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You will attempt to convince your new bride there is no reason to have children now that remote controls are so affordable.

	Aries (March 21 - April 20) After reading the autobiography of G. Gordon Liddy you'll decide to finally attempt to conquer your lifelong fear of Broadway musicals by having yourself strapped into a front row seat during an entire performance of "Cats".	Taurus (April 20 - May 20) As you look in your rearview mirror while sitting at the drive through window at Burger King, you'll notice the driver of the pink Cadillac is the spitting image of Elvis. You'll think it's just an Elvis impersonator until you notice that JFK is sitting in the passenger seat.

	Gemini (May 21 - June 21) After weeks of expensive bulimia treatments for your teenage daughter, you'll be overjoyed to learn that it was only your disgusting cooking and not the dreaded disease that was causing her to throw up all along.	Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Just the simple act of getting out of bed will seem like a major effort this month. It will become much easier after your closest friend explains that you're not supposed to sleep BETWEEN the mattress and box spring.

	Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) After crashing through your second story bedroom floor, you'll vow to lose the extra 200 pounds you've gained since high school. After you find out your house is termite infested, you'll celebrate by eating a turkey.	Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) After a lifetime of illiteracy your prayers will be answered when you hear an ad for "Hooked On Phonics". Your sense of joy will be short-lived once you realize you can't figure out how to dial 1-800-ABC-READ.

	Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23) Again this month you will develop a deep and meaningful relationship with a new friend. Like all your others, this one also will be imaginary.	Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21) The kids at school will begin to verbally abuse your teenage son after it becomes public knowledge that he has yet to sleep with Madonna.

	Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) You will develop an overwhelming fear of protozoa.	Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You won't be able to shake the eerie feeling you've had deja vu before.