(This quiz is
published here exactly as it was submitted to the editors at Simon &
Schuster. While 99 percent of the quiz was retained by the editors,
there are a few subtle differences in the printed version. One glaring
example is question 6 in the Multiple Choice section. In this case the
editors changed an answer that wasn't "politically correct" to
an answer that made no sense whatsoever. (See question 6 for an
explanation.)
The only other change made by the editors was
to eliminate question 14 in the Question & Answer section. When you
read the original question, "top 10 Notre Dame nicknames that were
rejected," you will see that the editors at Simon & Schuster
are pretty smart despite the evidence to the contrary provided by
question 6.)
If there is one
universal trait shared by fans of the Fighting Irish it’s a great
sense of humor. This chapter is designed to celebrate that trait and to
give readers a break from the stress of trying to answer the hard
questions throughout this book. As the Fighting Irish faithful will
immediately recognize, this chapter is written tongue-in-cheek. For the
humor impaired (i.e.. fans of Penn State, USC, Miami or Michigan), the
author has provided the correct answer for any of the multiple choice
questions that may have a legitimate answer.
Multiple Choice
 1) He didn’t have an ounce
of talent yet somehow managed to overcome incredible odds to fulfill his
dream. His name is:
A) Dan “Rudy” Ruettiger
B) Rush Limbaugh
C) Gerry Faust
D) Both B and C
2) One of the most famous
lines in Notre Dame history was re-enacted on film by Ronald Reagan at
the height of his mediocre acting career. Reagan uttered the famous
words, “win one for ___”:
A) “The Zipper” (Which
was the nickname of a former Notre Dame quarterback who had been
kicked off the team after being caught with members of the opposing
team’s cheerleading squad once too often.)
B) “The Dipper” (The nickname of a defensive end
whose love of ice cream proved to be his downfall. Team doctors were
forced to suspend him after he tipped the scales at 600 pounds.)
C) “The Flipper” (The nickname of a promising
wide receiver whose career was cut short after taking a shot to the
head. Convinced he was a dolphin, “The Flipper” would only play on
wet fields.)
D) “The Gipper” (The Fighting Irish weren’t
noted for coming up with clever nicknames and usually chose one that
was a play on a person’s name. “The Gipper” was chosen for
George Gipp after the alternative, “The Gimp” was rejected in a
precursor to the politically correct movement that would become
popular decades later.)
3) Scenario: There were three
seconds left in the game. Notre Dame, trailing by six points, had the
ball on the 50 yard line. What play was sent in? (HINT: Lou Holtz was
the coach at the time.)
A) Option left.
B) Option right.
C) Allow the quarterback to call an audible after
determining what defense he’s facing. (He’s given the choice of
option left or option right.)
D) The “Hail Mary Option." (The quarterback
waits until he’s about to be tackled then laterals the ball as far
as he can, hoping a teammate can catch it and run 70-80 yards for a
touchdown.)
4) The Miami Hurricanes were
very successful in the ‘80s. The main reason for their success was:
A) The University of Miami’s
administration voted to remove “literacy” as a requirement for
admission to the university.
B) Due to prison overcrowding, the state of Florida
was forced to implement an early release program for felons.
C) The potency of illegal drugs tripled.
D) All of the above.
5) In a slick marketing ploy,
Notre Dame quarterback Joe Theismann (pronounced Theez-man) changed the
pronunciation of his name to:
A) Thyshe-man. (He hoped it
would land him the role of spokesman for Fleischmann’s margarine.)
B) Thice-man. (He hoped to make it big in stand-up
comedy.)
C) Thize-man. (He knew the only way anyone might
associate him with the Heisman trophy was if he changed his name to
rhyme with the award.)
D) Theimaster. (In order to change the stereotype of
the dashing collegiate quarterback he believed it would be good to be
associated with a device that encourages women to squeeze their legs
together.)
6) Notre Dame found it much
more difficult to recruit top talent during the ‘90s because they
couldn’t offer the same benefits as many other schools. Which benefit
enticed the most recruits away from the Fighting Irish?:
A) An off-shore bank
account.
B) Trash barrels filled with anabolic steroids.
C) A degree in shoelace tying.
D) Female classmates with no discernible brain wave
activity.
(In the book, answer D was changed by the editors at Simon &
Schuster to "South Bend snow fests." Since it makes no sense
that other schools can offer 'South Bend snow fests' as a benefit that
Notre Dame can't match I want to point out that I am not responsible
for the answer in the book. Unfortunately for me, this is the only
answer I can deny responsibility for.)
7) All but one of the
following quotes were made by Lou Holtz. Which statement was not made by
Holtz?
A) Any time your defense
gives up more points than your basketball team, you’re in trouble.”
B) “My athletes are always willing to accept my
advice as long as it doesn’t conflict with their views.”
C) "Anytime you see one of these preseason
magazines, you always see Notre Dame ranked in the top 20 because it
sells magazines. If we're any good, they put us in the top three. If
they think we're going to be decent, we're in the top six. If they
think we have a chance to be pretty good, we're in the top 10. If they
don't think we're going to be very good, we're in the top 15. And if
they think we're going to be horrendous, we're somewhere between 15
and 20."
D) (When asked about preseason polls that ranked a
poor Notre Dame team in the top 20): “I told them the only way they
could lose credibility quicker would be to put me in the swimsuit
issue.”
E) “A lifetime contract for a coach means if you’re
ahead in the third quarter and moving the ball, they can’t fire you.”
F) "The expectations here at Notre Dame can
change a little bit as you go along. When I first started, everybody
said they just wanted us to be competitive. That first season in 1986
we went 5-6 and lost five games by a total of 14 points. But people
said, 'No, when we said competitive, we meant we want you to win.' So
the next year we went 8-4 and played in a New Year's Day bowl. But
they said, 'No, when we said we want you to win, we meant win them
all.' So the next year we did win them all. We went 12-0 and won the
national championship. But they said, 'No, you don't understand, we
meant we want you to
win big.' That's the way it goes at Notre Dame."
G) "When students at Notre Dame pay their
tuition, they believe that entitles them to one national championship
during their four years here."
H) (After Notre Dame upset Florida in the 1992 Sugar
bowl:) “I can’t wait to get back to the restaurant and see the
waiter who said, ‘Cheerios and Notre Dame are different: Cheerios
belong in a bowl.” (After the Sugar Bowl, General Mills sent 120
boxes of Cheerios to Holtz with a note saying, "Like the Fighting
Irish, we have been one of America's favorites for years. And as your
team dramatically proved, both do belong in bowls.”)
I) (On taking a part-time job selling cemetery plots
after his wife told him he couldn’t sell anything:) “She was
wrong. By the end of the season I’d sold our stereo, our car, her
jewels, and our television.”
J) (On why he believes linemen are so secure:) “They’re
used to being held all the time.”
K) “It didn’t bother me that I ranked 234th in my
high school graduating class of 273--until I heard the principal say
that it was a stupid class.”
L) (On whether he agreed with people who said he was
the best coach in the country:) “Absolutely. There are a thousand
better coaches in the cities, but I’m the best in the country.”
M) (On Rocket Ismail:) “I knew he was fast, but I
never knew how fast until I saw him playing tennis with himself.”
N) The best way to save face is by keeping the lower
part of it shut.”
O) “Sometimes I like to get drunk and mow the lawn
wearing only a tutu.”
8) What item was Lou Holtz
asked to kiss in order to insure good luck for Notre Dame football?
A) Pamela Anderson Lee.
B) The Blarney Stone.
C) Richard Simmons.
D) All of the below.
9) In order to have any hope
of matching the success of the football program, the Notre Dame
basketball program must mimic the football team’s traditions. What is
the first thing they must do?
A) Have players shave their
heads and paint them gold.
B) Obtain a giant painting of “Three-pointer Jesus.”
C) Hire Lou Holtz as head coach. (Who cares if the
offense is dull and predictable if they win games?)
D) Win several national championships
10) Who is the person famous
for turning the pass into an art form?
A) Knute Rockne.
B) Rudolph Valentino.
C) Bill Clinton.
D) All of the above.
11) Name the Four Horsemen:
A) Moe, Larry, Curly and
Shemp.
B) Harry Stuhldreher, Jim Crowley, Don Miller and
Elmer Layden.
C) John Holmes, Wilt Chamberlain, Milton Berle and
Warren Beatty.
D) John, Paul, George and Ringo.
12) Which of the following
was not one of Knute Rockne’s famous half time pep talks?
A) (As Notre Dame was ready
to return to the field after an embarrassing first half:) “Let’s
go ladies.”
B) “Win one for the Gipper.”
C) (Upon entering the locker room where the football
team sat following a terrible first half:) “Oh, I’m sorry. I
thought this was the Notre Dame locker room.”
D) “If we beat the spread, the beer is on me.”
13) Only one of the following is not a work of
fiction. Which one is it?
A) “Moby Dick.”
B) “Under the Tarnished Dome.”
C) “Tom Sawyer.”
D) “Webster’s Dictionary.”
14) What was the nickname of
Raghib Ismail?
A) “That really fast guy.”
B) “Rocket.”
C) “Zippy.”
D) “Old Blue Eyes.”
15) Which of the following is
not associated with Knute Rockne:
A) The buttonhook.
B) The use of the forward pass.
C) “Win one for the Gipper.”
D) The use of Whoopee Cushions to express
disagreement with an officials call.
16) Which of the following
books is most likely to make it to book stores in the near future:
A) “How to Win Friends and
Influence People” by Steve Spurrier.
B) “Why the Run and Shoot Offense is Vastly
Underrated” by Lou Holtz.
C) “Just Say No” by Barry Switzer.
D) “How to Steal a National Championship from Notre
Dame” by Bobby Bowden.
17) Which of the following
Notre Dame related quotes was never spoken:
A) Beano Cook said that
there are two things one should never bet against, “Russia in the
winter, and Notre Dame in South Bend.”
B) Notre Dame tackle Tim Marshall, surprised to be
named to the 1983 All-American team after he was sidelined for the
entire 1982 season with an injury, said, “If I sit out another year
I’ll probably get the Heisman Trophy.”
C) Mike Stonebreaker said, “We believe in the
spirit of Notre Dame, but some people think it’s false. I understand
their point. If we’re so blessed then why did we go 5-6 in 1985?”
D) Knute Rockne said, “I found prayers work best
when you have big players.”
E) When asked what it was like touring Brazil, former
Marquette player Jerome Whitehead said, “We had 25,000 people booing
us and throwing garbage on our heads. It was like the whole country
was Notre Dame.”
F) Former Miami Hurricanes coach Jimmy Johnson said,
“Notre Dame is the greatest school and football program in history.
The University of Miami is Pop Warner in comparison. We don’t belong
on the planet, never mind the same field, as the Fighting Irish.”
Question and Answer
1) What is the penalty if a
Notre Dame player is flagged for a personal foul?
A: Three “Our Fathers”
and 12 “Hail Marys.”
2) Steve Young served as the
backup for the most famous Notre Dame alumnus (Joe Montana) during the
‘80s. Who serves as the backup for the most famous Notre Dame alumnus
during the ‘90s?
A: Kathy Lee Gifford.
3) If a top player from Penn
State wants to transfer to Notre Dame, what is the only position he must
play if he hopes to ever see any action?
A: Hunchback.
4) What is enormous, filled
with hot air, and is frequently seen at stadiums during the college
football game of the week?
A: Keith Jackson.
5) If Knute Rockne were alive
today, what would cause him the most grief?
A: The people who would
inevitably introduce him by the last name of Gingrich.
6) Because Notre Dame’s
cheerleading squad is coed, what ideal nickname for the squad cannot be
used?
A: The Flying Nuns.
7) What was Notre Dames
greatest acquisition ever?
A) Their own television
network.
8) Why was Gerry Faust
unsuccessful as Notre Dame’s head coach?
A) He gave the players too
much sacramental wine at half time.
9) What is the reason for
Notre Dame’s incredible rivalry with USC?
A: Catholics are afraid they
might go to hell unless they destroy the Trojans.
10) When football fans hear
the term “The Golden Dome,” what do they automatically think of?
A: Terry Bradshaw’s head.
11) The Notre Dame fight song
was written after the original fight song failed to arouse fan spirit.
What was the original team fight song?
A: Bringing in the Sheep.
12) What is the main reason Notre Dame doesn’t
have the greatest college football program?
A: The correct answer to
this question would include any of the following: Excuse me?;
This better be a joke humor boy!; or any violent reaction, up to and
including throwing this book through a plate glass window. (If you
harm this book, points will be deducted.)
13) Name the year in which
Notre Dame broke down and finally allowed the ultimate weapon in
enticing top recruits to the university?
A) 1972 (When the college
finally began admitting women.)
14) Everyone knows that Notre
Dame’s nickname is the Fighting Irish. Name the top 10 Notre Dame
nicknames that were rejected:
10) The Notre Dame Alter
Boys
9) The Notre Dame Fighting French
8) The Notre Dame Confessors
7) The Notre Dame Wafer Weasels
6) The Notre Dame Drunken Irish
5) The Notre Dame Rabid Squirrels
4) The Notre Dame Trojan Horses
3) The greatest college football program in history
(that was eventually chosen as an unofficial nickname)
2) The Notre Dame Sacramental Winos
1) The Notre Dame Screaming Popes
Answers to Multiple Choice (those with actual answers)
1) D (Unlike Faust and
Limbaugh, Dan Ruettiger, whose heroic struggle was immortalized in the
film “Rudy,” possessed a lot of talent.)
2) D (“The Gipper.”)
5) C (Thize-man.)
7) O (“Sometimes I like to
get drunk and mow the lawn wearing only a tutu.”)
8) B (The Blarney Stone.)
11) B (Harry Stuhldreher, Jim
Crowley, Don Miller and Elmer Layden.)
12) D (“If we beat the
spread, the beer is on me.”)
13) D (If you selected “Under
the Tarnished Dome” don't bother buying this book as Santa Claus or
the Easter Bunny will probably bring it to you.)
14) B (“Rocket.”)
15) D (The use of Whoopee
Cushions to express disagreement with an officials call.)
17) F (As hard as it is to
believe, there is no record of former Miami Hurricanes coach Jimmy
Johnson ever saying, “Notre Dame is the greatest school and football
program in history. The University of Miami is Pop Warner in comparison.
We don’t belong on the planet, never mind the same field, as the
Fighting Irish.”) |
