Lets face it, most of
us men think of ourselves as gifted lovers who only take small, but
necessary breaks from the rigors of sex in order to earn a living or
catch a ballgame. We are all sex gods, knowledgeable in ancient sexual
techniques that get women so aroused just the sight of us will send them
into hours of sexual ecstasy. Of course, we also believe we buy Hustler
only to make a statement about free speech.
The truth is, most men spend more time talking
about sex than engaging in it (with the possible exception of phone sex,
when both occur simultaneously), and even fewer of us know the first
thing about the subject.
Would you like to prove you actually have the
knowledge to match your ego? Just take this test:
1) The true definition of safe
sex is:
A) Using a condom.
B) Having your penis laminated.
C) Dating only Janet Reno look-a-likes.
D) Rigging your waterbed with a padded headboard that
serves as a flotation device (in the unlikely event of a water
landing).
2) Your woman believes an
enormous penis to be:
A) Very important.
B) Similar to the Loch Ness Monster; an unproven
legend she believes resides deep inside some foreign body.
C) Only important in the event the Energizer Bunny
stops pounding away.
D) Her preferred method for scratching a tickle in
her throat, but she has switched to cough drops since meeting you.
3) The biggest myth about sex
is:
A) Masturbation will make
you blind.
B) (Read B again).
C) People who write sex quizzes are not sexually
gifted.
D) You might actually get to experience it some day.
4) Women think that a man with
huge hands:
A) Has a great chance of
being picked up when hitchhiking.
B) Always gets caught in the cookie jar.
C) Never fails to start the "wave" at
sporting events.
D) All of the below.
5) Your penis is so small:
A) Your condoms are often
mistaken for thimbles.
B) Whenever a woman sees it, you try to convince her
you used to date Lorena Bobbit.
C) You joined a coed nude water polo league hoping
the icy water might help when the women compared you to the other men.
D) You pray America will switch to the metric system
so you can say it's a "6."
6) Women prefer that sex be:
A) Slow and passionate.
B) Fast and rough.
C) With anyone but you.
D) All of the above.
7) The quickest way to tell if
a man is lousy in bed:
A) They ask if you believe
that it is possible for a woman to enjoy sex.
B) When they hear the term "French
tickler," they ask what it is called if they do not speak French.
C) They call the cleaners to order G-Spot remover.
D) They take "sexual knowledge" quizzes.
8) The most popular sexual
position is:
A) Missionary.
B) "69."
C) Doggie style.
D) Quarterback.
9) What is the best use for
baby oil?
A) You mix it with vinegar
and use it as a dressing on salads when the vegetables aren't ripe
yet.
B) To silence all those annoying squeaky babies.
C) During daytime sex when the woman will actually
see your face and need desperate help to become wet.
D) It should never be used because too many babies
must be squeezed in order to get just one bottle.
10) It's always best to buy
extra pairs of edible panties:
A) So you will have a snack
for the drive home.
B) To hand out to the hot little 4-year-olds in your
neighborhood when they say "trick or treat."
C) It is?
D) Mom always warned you to wear clean ones in case
you are ever in an accident.
11) A guaranteed way to reach
orgasm in under 10 seconds is:
A) Do what you always do.
B) Refer to answer A.
12) The thing that makes the
average male incredibly horny is:
A) A sheep dressed by
Frederick's of Hooterville.
B) Oxygen.
C) Going without sex for 6-8 minutes.
D) Being in an oxygen tent with a sheep dressed by
Frederick's of Hooterville that you haven't had sex with for 6- 8
minutes.
Scoring:
For each:
A = 5 points
B = 1.377 points
C =subtract 2.11 points
D = 0 points
E = 2,500 points
If You Scored:
Between -27.43 and +2,560 points:
You have too much free time. Stop taking sex quizzes and go find a
friend other than your right hand.
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